Your Dad Can Help with That: Father's Day Reflections

For Father’s Day we gave my husband a few hours to relax, by budgeting some screen time for the kids.

In preparation for screen time, my son needed help setting up a video game for his iPad. When he has a problem with a toy that needs fixing or an app that needs troubleshooting I usually say, “Your Dad can help with that.”I just love that my husband is naturally better at tinkering with and fixing things than I am. Maybe I should be trying harder to do that stuff myself, but today I reflected on how much I appreciate it.

My son’s specific problem was wanting an update to a Lego Star Wars Saga game on his iPad. My husband said, “It will cost $7, you can buy it with your allowance.” One son said, “That’s a reasonable price!” The other one said, “Yes I want to buy that!” The boys then started discussing that the Lego Jurassic World set they had wanted to buy was “not a reasonable price” at $175. I grinned at my husband. I had been noticing him teaching the boys about the value of money.

I do worry that my husband says things in a way that is too challenging. “Dad I really want that Jurassic World set,” says my eager son. “Lets look at that buddy,” he’ll say and pull it up, “Well, bud, first of all you don’t have that much money, and secondly that’s way too expensive.” “Aww,” says my disappointed son and I hold myself back from jumping in to say something soothing. Instead the guys argue with each other for a few minutes about the relative merits of different toys and my son leaves thoughtful and confident.

What is fatherhood? What is a great Dad? Especially now that we recognize that women are excellent leaders just like men and men are amazing nurturers, just like women. Yet it’s slightly different isn’t it? There’s something my husband brings my kids that I just can’t, and for which I am so grateful.

“Dads are most ordinary men turned by love into heroes, adventurers, story-tellers, and singers of song.” —Pam Brown

My husband challenges the kids to debate and defend their ideas, not because he set out to do this on purpose, but because he just does it. It makes the kids stronger. I tend to soothe them and help them understand why they believe what they believe, and connect it to their emotional senses.

But I am tough on education and challenge them to learn at times when my husband might suggest they relax. Yin and Yang, flipping between challenger and comforter, my children benefit from two parents who both have nurturing sides and both expect them to be the best they can become.

In a time when we are still debating the relative value of men and women, there is no doubt that father and mother are both central to the healthy development of a child. In a time when we wonder what it means to be a man or a woman, we find that each of us possesses masculine and feminine.

I am at a loss trying to define what is masculine and feminine—working with real families has blown up any assumptions I had left after all my study of psychology. But one thing is certain about my husband and me: we are both analytical and creative, both provide structure and both provide nurture. Yet somehow I am fundamentally feminine and he is fundamentally masculine in a way I can feel, but not explain. And I sure am glad my kids have him.

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