Stop Parenting! Change the Game.
Stop Parenting! Change the Game.
The word “parenting” makes my chest feel tight. Why the anxiety? Because these days parents can’t win.
“Oh you mean that thing where everyone is trying to tell me I’m a bad mother,” says the friendly mother holding her well-cared for baby.
The parenting game starts with our desire to raise happy, healthy kids. But then we are told that we need to be different than we are. No matter what we do, we are told we are deficient. On the one hand there is the parenting advice industry telling us that we don’t know what we are doing and that we need to let them tell us how to do it. On the other hand are those pointing out we are too anxious because of all the advice, so we should ignore it and trust our instincts.
We react in different ways to manage the anxiety.
We gather advice. We read a lot of books, blogs, or Facebook posts by our friends. We join a mommy group. Or we do the worst thing ever: we google. The advice all contradicts and we grow more frantic.
We do stuff. Usually what our friend or neighbor is doing. Before we know it we’ve got the kids signed up for 4 after school activities and we never seem to talk to them because we are rushing around.
Eventually it leads to burnout. Just give the kids their iPads. A moment of electronic background noise, and the only demand is our guilt. Because we know too much screen time is bad for them.
The guilt gets worse. “Has the pressure eased up at all now that they are teenagers?” I ask a mother whose kids are older then mine. “Oh no, it’s worse. I’ve got four more years to not screw this up.”
What if we just “trust our instincts”? This is my absolute favorite of all the unworkable ideas. Back when I was a desperate young pediatrician with a new extremely fussy child I found a book in the parenting section. It was an entire book of advice criticizing parents for becoming to anxious by reading too many books on parenting advice. After it ripped me to shreds for being someone who tries to find good advice, it gave me this fabulous option. Trust your instincts. I wanted to scream.
I’ve been there. Would you like to hear a story about my own son?
By two weeks of age I knew something was really wrong with my first son. It was the pain cry. Our pediatrician (my partner) gave me the right advice. “Hold off on the medication for acid reflux, he’s only two weeks old.” He got worse.
By three weeks old I found dark green stool with blood in it. He screamed in pain. I cried. I took him to the office for a visit to confirm it was blood. I looked pretty stressed. The pediatric nurse with four kids treated me dismissively. I could tell they all thought I was an over obsessed inexperienced new mother. I felt so small. And then he screamed. Her whole body changed. She looked at me. “Does he do this all the time?” I squeaked out a small yes and my eyes teared up. Suddenly her voice was all compassion. That was no ordinary colic cry, that was pain.
My first son had a kind of food protein sensitivity that led him to have a colitis. I was a newly minted mother and in pediatric practice for only two years so far. I was going to do this right! I was signed up for doctor emails and it was at the height of breastfeeding fever. My baby was definitely going to be damaged if I did not breast feed. (Before the data was reanalyzed and they found that breastfeeding only makes a tiny little difference.)
At first we thought it was the usual milk and soy proteins and I went on a strict elimination diet. But he still cried in pain. All night long. He still bled in his stools. All day long. None of the advice on calming a fussy baby helped. Over the precious weeks of my maternity leave I read the research on the rare colitis he had. My husband and I did shifts. All night. One of us in the basement with him, one upstairs trying to sleep. He just screamed.
And sometimes he smiled. It was the light of my world.
The advice was useless. So what were my instincts? They were animal. I wanted to run away. I wanted to freeze so I could just stop feeling his pain and my misery.
My instincts were totally useless. They would have led to neglect. I got myself and my kiddo through it because I did not follow my instincts.
What I actually did was something else, but I had no idea what I had stumbled upon until years later.
So the parenting game is either look for advice that confuses us and tells us we are getting it wrong, or trust our instincts. But if our instincts were enough we would not be asking for advice.
What do you do when the rules are set up so you can’t win? CHANGE THE GAME. As long as you keep playing by the same rules you will never be able to win.
Game Changer: LEARN YOUR KID.
This is the 4 S method. It is what I did back then without recognizing it. It’s what the most confident parents are already doing without knowing it. Whenever you feel a SHOULD: STOP, SIGH and SEE. Then do SOMETHING.
Do you feel skeptical? I love skeptics, because they are looking for what is authentic. Wonder if this is one more parenting tip that overpromises? Me too. Except I’ve found it really works in my home and in my pediatric practice. Do you ask yourself if you have the time or energy to try something new? I know! I can barely find time to breathe either.
Here’s why it works: The 4 S’s fit seamlessly into our normal moments with our kids. We don’t do something extra, we just shift a little bit.
Here’s why it’s important: How can our kids learn to live the joyful thriving lives we want for them if we are modeling a life of burden? And what does it mean to them that the burden is them?
When we STOP, SIGH and SEE our kids before we do SOMETHING, we can use both our knowledge and our instincts. This puts us back into leadership, a leadership we have given away to the SHOULDs. We can own our leadership. We become aware. We start to build skills quickly. We LEARN OUR KIDS.
And something more: we start to show up for our kids. Really show up.
So the first step is to STOP. There’s not much to it, but it is the way to stop playing the usual frustrating game.
Because that is what this is ALL about. Changing the game so we can bring our kids what they really need: parents who are present with them who get them and are able to skillfully respond to their needs. That is what the new game will feel like—skillful, connected and a lot more fun.
THE 4S’s: When you feel a SHOULD, STOP, SIGH and SEE. Then do SOMETHING.
When you feel a SHOULD coming on, STOP. Just pause. Don’t act instantly.
SIGH. Take a deep breath. A long slow one. Imagine it’s a sigh of relief, as if everything is OK. And if you can, remember that you are enough. You are what your child needs.
SEE. Look at your child. Ask yourself what your child needs right now. Do they need you to do something, or do they need to figure it out for themselves?
Then (and only then) do SOMETHING. Even if that something is nothing.
I don’t care what you do next. It really doesn’t matter. It does not matter if you get it wrong. Because if you STOP, SIGH & SEE before you do SOMETHING, you will build skills quickly. You will get to know your child. ©Alison Escalante MD/The Primary Carer
Curious? In future posts we will dive into the steps SIGH, SEE and do SOMETHING in more depth. Want to make sure you don't miss them? Remember to subscribe to the blog or click the little Facebook icon all the way at the bottom of the page (in the black section) to like my Facebook page. Let’s start a conversation! Please leave your thoughts in the comments.
Disclaimer: This article represents general education and does not constitute medical advice. My ideas are mine alone.