4 S's of Being a Confident Parent

I went to visit my friend and saw the same thing I see every day, a tired couple holding their first baby. As the words start pouring out of their mouths I hear how hard the she is trying to breast-feed, how much it hurts, and how fussy the baby is. She's trying to pump because she knows she should, but that hurts too. Then he jumps in to list all the advice they got from the nurses, which was different from the lactation consultant, which was different from what the grandmothers are saying. She chimes in to say that she read four blogs and the baby book and talked to her friends and now she's totally confused. There are so many things they should do. But whatever else is it going on, she knows that she's not doing it right. It's all very important. It all matters so much to her child now and in the future, and she's not getting it right.

Waiting for my kids at school pickup, I chat with a father I've known for years. He leans forward as he talks. He's pulled in a million directions managing his job and his children's travel sports teams. He's doing well on screen time limits because they have so little time at home, but he’s struggling with nutrition. They eat a lot of fast food to make the schedule work. He knows that his busy kids are missing out on other important things. They don’t ride around on bikes with a pack of other boys the way he did at their age. There is so much he should be doing. It all matters so much, and he can't get it right.

They can’t get it right.

When the parents have let the flood of words slow, I lean forward. I look them in the eyes. They look a little nervous and hopeful. They wonder if I'm going to pile one more thing to do on top of them.

I say, "You are what your child needs."

You are what your baby needs, not your breastmilk. Breastmilk is very nice, but if it pulls you away from your baby then it's not the most important thing.

You are what your children need. Their activities are very nice, but if you are too busy doing things for them to connect with them, then those activities are not the most important thing.

Now parents look at me with worried, hopeful eyes. It resonates with them that what I am saying might just be true. But they have been told so many things that are crucial that they need to do for their child. They hope I'm not going to give them one more thing they can't get right. They are afraid of one more “should.”

I teach them my technique. Every time you feel a SHOULD: STOP, SIGH & SEE.

We are Americans. We act. When our child fusses, we do something about it. The problem is that when we act, we are not reacting to our child. We are reacting to something going on inside us. Maybe it's something we heard, or read, or something we feel. But it's not our child.

So when you feel a SHOULD coming on, STOP. Just pause. Don't act instantly.

SIGH. Take a deep breath. A long slow one. Imagine it's a sigh of relief, as if everything is OK. And if you can, remember that you are enough. You are what your child needs.

SEE. Look at your child. Ask yourself what your child needs right now. Do they need you to do something, or do they need to figure it out for themselves?

Then (and only then) do SOMETHING. Even if that something is nothing.

I don't care what you do next. It really doesn't matter. It does not matter if you get it wrong. Because if you STOP, SIGH & SEE you will build skills quickly. You will get to know your child.

A sighing sound fills the room. The parents relax.

“I can do that,” they say.

In future visits, they gave me feedback. One smiling mother put it like this: "Before you told me to do that, all I had was anxiety. Now I have confidence." I could see it. She did feel confident. At the first visit her body was tense and so was the baby. But on the second visit, they were relaxed with each other. You felt the connection between them. It was beautiful.

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Disclaimer: This article represents general education and does not constitute medical advice. My ideas are mine alone.